Fought with my wife this morning about visiting her mother, who herself is an enormous strain on our relationship. My wife wanted support from me (yes, we can go see her at 430, even though that’s earlier when what I had planned) but I was wanting space and rest (today is my day off and I don’t want to spend that much of it with your mother)
Rather than ask me what I thought of the plan, she could have asked me for support. And rather than get frustrated with her, I could have expressed my need directly
They felt hurt, insecure, jealous, disappointed. They needed connection, stability, trust
Felt extremely hurt, betrayed and useless. And I hadn’t realised how bad it was
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Upset we had poor communication and I thought we had plans to hang out that she didn’t know about and made other plans, we argued then discussed on how to improve communication on both ends and respecting plans we each make
She got jealous because I paid a different girl attention in that moment, but she need attention herself
I was being clingy saying i love you nore to hear her say it back.
I got annoyed because I didn’t feel appreciated
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It felt as if I wasn’t being heard and belittled
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I was feeling quite tired and burnt out.
I needed support and warmth, and to feel acknowledged
I felt ignored, belittled and disrespected… They felt they wasn’t in the wrong and found it amusing which further infuriated me.
Their feeling was disrespected because i was late to an obligation. Their need was attentiveness and priority.
I felt harrassed. My need was space and tolerance.
She was feeling detached, insecure, sensitive, self-conscious and she needed independence, acceptance, patience.
I was being too agreeable and soft and she wanted me to be more opinionated and assertive.
There are so many modules that are just totally irrelevant to me. I don’t have a partner, so can’t have conflict with one.
I tried to change the activity for today… but it was either this or wax and wane with Obi. I find his activities to be super contrived and totally unrealistic to the point where it is annoying to even watch.
You should give users the option to turn off certain areas… like I do not need relationship conflict management content, and I’d love to filter out all material with obi.
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They felt frustrated and needed independence from me, I felt insecure and needed reassurance
They resented that i didn’t seem more hurt by the situation. They needed to feel like they weren’t alone going through it
This was a long-term conflict in a previous relationship. She wanted to have kids with me at that moment and I was prioritizing my studies/career. She felt not loved enough and needed certainty that we were going to have a family together. I felt pressured and coerced into it and I needed to feel free. The conflict ended up breaking up because of this although we both were in love. We were not able to accommodate each other’s needs.
In my past relationship, I’m thinking back to one of the last conversations we had before breaking up.
We had just ended a weekend trip to NYC and were waiting in the terminal for our flight. There were multiple arguments on the trip and it generally didn’t go as well as it could’ve.
I kind of new where the tension was coming from then but looking back now it’s clear as day why I was so irritable that trip.
We had been dating 3 months, but we hadn’t had sex yet, and hadn’t even really attempted it due to my PMO issues and troubles with intimacy at the time.
This was my first girlfriend and I basically adopted the mindset that I should just go out and date and hopefully that will fill the space needed to get past my PMO issue.
But for whatever reason it wasn’t enough: I couldn’t stop PMOing, and on top of it I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that was the real reason I was unable to have sex with her. I was caught in this negative cycle of shame and self-dislike.
So fast forward to our NYC trip and in the back of my mind it’s weighing on me, stressing me out knowing I still can’t do it with her. And instead of opening up and just being honest, I bottled it up, leading to feeling irritable and needing space.
Once we got the airport and were waiting to board our exiting flight, she expressed in some words how she felt disappointed, and I could tell the lack of intimacy and overall warmth was pushing her away.
A couple weeks later she broke up with me.
I’ve since worked on myself, I love everything about myself. I wish she could’ve seen this version of me, and I wish I treated her better. But I know she’s doing well because she’s a good solid woman, and like the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.
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Things got ugly and I said things I didn’t mean and she said things she didn’t mean. I think they needed me to relax, thinking more clearly, and slow down before I said things. I get so out of sorts in an argument that I sometimes can’t even have a normal conversation. But I just needed some encouragement, love, affection, something telling me that an argument doesn’t define us and that we can work through it.
I lost my hard on with someone I was dating, we hadn’t had sex yet and while I was getting better each time this was the 3rd occurrence. She got dressed, crossed her arms and essentially unleashed a tonne of ways she’d been done wrong by terrible exes, even rape. It felt like I was being compared to them for losing an erection by someone I deeply cared about.
I was already anxious and this had me feeling so so terrible. I went into fawn mode and tried to promise I’d get over it really soon and it’s no big deal and we need to accept it and be a team. She broke things off for some other reasons given shortly after I didn’t believe. I lost a lot of sleep and got some therapy and went off the apps for 2 months. I responded the best I could in the moment and now know she was in a bad space to date anyone.
Now 6 months later and I have a lot more self-compassion and confidence and started dating someone that has reached sexy stages. On the second time being intimate I was shaky but managed to come. 3rd time last week I didn’t quite manage sex but I feel I’ve made huge steps and today I finally took ownership that I love going slower during foreplay with new partners and have stopped trying to be some stud or chasing how I was in early 20s. Feeling great and know I’ll be just fine soon!
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