Hi guys,
The anxiety around sex and basically anything sex-related (handjob, blowjob etc) has been super high recently. I guess my mind is scared of failure and the anxiety wheel is spinning.
In the past, I would get hard almost immediately with my fiancée, I loved blowjob (I guess I still love it, however anxiety makes it… Scary - I get even anxious when I think about it which is shit) and could get hard just from thinking about the upcoming blowie or sex. Now the thoughts that we might have sex make me anxious - crazy!!
It all changed after we started trying for a baby for a year now. I went flaccid a couple of times and this is when the doubt and anxiety latched onto sexual encounters.
My heart races immediately we make out, the anxious thoughts and background feeling activate, and there is a surge of adrenaline and the stress hormones in my body.
My dick is basically turning to little raisin as the blood is running away to other organs (flight or fight is activated).
I can get hard after a long masturbation, when my nerves start to burn off and the heart is slowing down.
Anyway, my fiancee is super frustrated with this whole situation. She remembers when I would get hard immediately, and she is not into foreplay and helping me to calm down with longer masturbation before I get hard.
I think this is now the stage where I’m stuck.
Do you guys communicate your anxiety to your partners, do you use masturbation, kissing etc to make yourself calmer before you get a boner and can have sex?
I’m 20 days with mojo practising meditation, kegels, reverse kegels, listening to podcasts, doing breathwork but I have a feeling the anxiety is getting even worse, as I constantly think of it or make the exercises with mojo.
G’day mate
I am not a doctor or a therapist, but just an average bloke who wants to share what I’ve learned on this app. That being said, I’m no expert.
Honest communication with your fiancee is a crucial to you regaining some control.
I 100% get where you’re at and from what you have shared you are doing everything you can to to alleviate your stress.
Believe me, I know that anxious thoughts about not performing well or living up to what you imagine your partner expects of you can be disheartening. This is where communication is the key.
It might help to do the body sensate exercises together without them leading to sex. At least until you are both comfortable with the exercises.
15 minutes of meditation before retiring for the night would be beneficial for you also. It helps to ground you.
Another thing that would help you become confident would be some positive affirmations.
For example each morning in front of a mirror, you couid say something like this:
" Today I am going to be the best that I can be"
" I appreciate my body, penis, or whatever"
" Love being with my fiancee"
Anyway, like I said I’m no expert but I hope this helps.
You’ve been very brave sharing your thoughts with this community and that’s half the battle.
I wish you every success going forward.
Thank you very much for kind words and wise pieces of advice. You have out the words together in a really mindful way. I appreciate that.
You’re welcome.
You’re welcome
I’m right there with you bro! The TTC piece is making it 10x more difficult. We’re both ready for that next step but then I freeze from fight or flight and nothing works. Just letting you know you’re not alone. We will get through this. One day at a time. One thing that has helped is definitely being open with your partner. I remember saying something along the lines of “the pressure on me is getting to my head and resulting in this anxiousness…” making sure she knows it’s not her, if that makes sense. Another thing that helped is hooking up with no intent of having sex. Fool around, shower together, focus on your senses, connect. It’s amazing what the brain does when you aren’t focused on sex as the end goal. Like I said before, one day at a time. We got this!