I can last longer than 10 minutes. I only lose it after I am critical of myself and am not in the moment. I would be fine if I just had fun with it
1 Like
Thinking one time failure does not mean next time will be a failure too
Just because it’s happened in the past doesn’t mean it will happen again, I begin to panic and get in my head because I believe it will happen again, when honestly there’s no real proof it will happen. I make it happen by panicking instead of just focusing on the now.
Thought: If I don’t get it up, last for an hour, and completely blow her mind from the very first time we have sex, she’ll leave me for another guy who can.
Reprogramming: Sex is not a performance, test, or evaluation of my masculinity that exists exclusively on a woman’s terms. I am allowed to be imperfect because I am human. If I don’t get it up immediately, I know that I will because I have so many times before by focusing on my desire, her body, and the pleasurable sensations I’m feeling. If I don’t last an hour, I’m not a failure, because I’m human and no men naturally last an hour. The pressure I feel to perform and blow her mind isn’t coming from her but instead exists inside my head. I have control over my thoughts and attention and don’t have to engage with these negative thoughts that do nothing but belittle me.
1 Like
I assume my next experience isn’t going to great with no evidence. It may be the best sex I’ve ever had
Last time I had sex, I lost my erection. Thought this a chronic issue for me. Bowery, my wife and I have had really great sex over the years.
That every time I get soft doesn’t mean that I’m not capable
That I’ll never learn how to get better at sex but I’ve already improved and my partner has had a wonderful time. I didn’t get stuck in my head.
You can accept the negative thoughts but make sure you don’t accept that they are true. Just accept that you have them but always have positive, alternative thoughts too.
That it is literally impossible to be rock hard for 100% of the time we’re in bed, and that’s ok - it’s not a failure. The more I can reinforce this message, the harder I’ll probably be
I have to say the opposite of the negative thoughts, I have to counteract them with positive affirmations
That every time is going to be a failure. Every time is not a failure. That my partner wishes I just functioned like a normal guy. I have no idea how other guys functioned in the past.
I won’t have sex with my wife ever again.
Evidence: It’s been years.
Argument against:
I can have sex with her by showing her that I am taking positive action by reprogramming my negativity.
My erections are hard enough
And I don’t last long enough
Evidence: the very last time we had sex you were just barely passed semi chub and you didn’t last long,
You didn’t even know how to shrink ..
Arguments against : she didn’t complain, she reached out to you after to hang out, but you didn’t show up. You don’t know what you’re doing sexually because you don’t have sex enough. You don’t last long enough because you don’t have sex enough.. participating with scares you more and you’ll get better as time goes by
My past sexual experiences with a partner do not automatically determine my future one’s. I am enough as I am, I’m perfectly imperfect and the negative voices are no other than my own internal critic of which I can choose to tell that voice it is wrong about me and my erections
I can’t get and maintain an erection with a partner
Evidence: I was unable to have sex last time.
Argument against: I have successfully had sex many times when i focus on the experience and not seeing it as a pass or fail test. Just feel and enjoy connecting and exploring each other sexually. You have done this many, many times before.
If I don’t get an erection by the time they get my clothes off it’s probably not going to happen.
The erection is there for foreplay but drops away during sex. It makes my partner feel like it’s her fault when I the one in my head
Argument against: we have had plenty of sex in the past where it has not been an issue, my thoughts have arisen so they can dissipate. I must invest in the moment and not worry about the outcome
Easier said than done but glad to know it’s not just me. Thanks guys
Experience : Rock solid during oral sex but when I stood up for penetration it seems to just fall flat
Thoughts : How will I ever enjoy sex? Will I ever cum or reach a climax? Felt like giving up
Fact Check
a) Rock solid when lying down should also mean I can be erect when standing up or in different positions as physical state suggests I am in good condition
b) I have also acheived erections standing before
Alternative Thoughts
a) By switching my masturbation style to standing up or being seated more often, I should be able to get used to maintaining an erection in other positions too
Experience: not getting hard during a few minutes of making out
Thoughts: she expects me to be rock hard right now and will think I’m less of a man that I’m not
Fact Check: she didn’t seem disappointed at all, and kept kissing me and wants to see me again regardless.
Alternate thoughts: she didn’t have the expectation that I be hard immediately, and I shouldn’t either it’s ok to take a little while to get fully aroused. She still wants to see me so she isn’t disappointed about me either