This may be a long post, and maybe itf fit for elsewhere, but I feel I need to talk about it atleast in some way.. I dont have anyone in my life I can talk with, so i think an a post on here is better than nothing, even if its just for myself.
So here it goesā¦
The Back Story: My last relationship (8 years ago) lasted about 5-6years,after 4ish years, she left me for another guy and a party style of life for about 3-4 months, I then got back together with her for another year or so.
I truly was in love with this girl, she could do nothing wrong in my eyes,and i would do anything for her. I was a sex addict, but I was always faithful, she was extremely sex driven,the entire relationship seemed to revolve around sexual activity.
We would have sex several times a day.
It was never really intimate, but it was great sex.
In my eyes, my entire goal during the act of sex is to please my partner, nothing else.
The Cuase: Before initiating in sex i would masterbate to near completion so I could last longer. One time during the āpre gameā masterbation, I eneded up climaxing, she was in the next room expecting to have sex once I got back.
After a small amount of foreplay I was unable to get erect, now I understand it was due to my body not having time to āresetā as I had just climaxed two minutes(or less) before trying to become erect again. But I didnt accept this.
I could tell this bothered her and she just wanted to stop right then and there.
If im speaking honestly, this crushed my self-esteem and really got in my head.
She didnāt want to talk about it and being honest again, neither did I.
I realize this was a huge mistake and made things worse, I should have talked with her about it but thats not how our relationship was.
After that situation, my confidence was at an all time low, and I had alot of self doubt.
After a few days pass we went to have sex and I was stuck in my head, I had some trouble getting fully erect ( near no foreplay, just straight into the act).
I was able to get erect enough for penetration (went in partially soft and became more erect after a few seconds), it did take a minute, but I climaxed quickly and that was very strange for me, I went from lasting upwards of 45 minutes+, to climaxing in a minute or less.
I could see the disappointment in my partner and once again neither of us wanted to talk about it, she told me āitās fineā got up, and left the room, even though I could tell it really bothered her. This decimated the little confidence I had left. After that at the mention of sex, I could feel my heart race and would instantly get into my head.
This is where I belive my whole situation originated from.
The Fall Out: We moved in together shortly after. Sex was absentfrom the relationship, neither of us really tried to initiate intercourse, I could still get an erection and could masterbate without issue. I would try to initiate sex at night when we where in bed together as thats when i felt more comfortable.but she would always pull away.
About a month after moving in together we still had not had any sex,and never talked about it, any advancement i made when I felt comfortable was met with reluctantly and pulling away, I felt lost and alone.
Not long after the first month of living together in our own place, I discovered she was seeing another guy and had plans to move out to be with him.
I really trusted her with everything, but I shut down as I was met with a cold shoulder, and after finding this out I lost all trust in people, I dont think I even trust myself anymore.
But I do not blame her, I could satisfy her so she found some one who could. I do just wish we talked about and she worked with me so we could maybe have got past it all.
Conclusion: This absolutely destroyed me as a person, I felt broken and alone in the darkness.
I was in a very dark place.
For the next 6 months I drank myself into a near coma every night and really didnāt care if I would wake up the next day, some nights I wished I wouldnāt.
But I pulled myself out of that darkness, I avoided all forms of relationship as I never wated to experience that pain again.
After pulling myself out of that dark hole of self loathing, I chose to become celibate.
To avoid the pain. To run from it.
I know if I ever fell back in that hole, I truly dont think I could make it back out. I think I would be stuck there or worse.
Present day: for the past 7-8 years I have been alone,and I have accepted being that way, i live a life of solitude.
I have made more effort to avoid relationships than to try and fix what is broken(me, Iām broken..) as I dont trust anyone enough to even try asking for help, I dont want to feel that pain. I dont want to get lost in that darkness again, Im scared I couldnāt get out if I did.
The End, Or a New Beginning: That brings us to the cross road of this long and pathetic story.
This may be a turning point, for better or worse.
I have recently let my gaurd down.
I have opened the door for someone and the walls I have been building up and hiding behind all these years are starting to crumble and they are crumbling fast..
I have not felt this close and connected to a person in a very long time.
I have not talked to a person this consistently in years.
I stay up all hours of the night just to keep the conversation going, and it goes easily, almost effortless,I check my phone every time I get a notification in hopes itās her, and throughout the day try to find reasons to send her a message.
I feel that she may be the type of person who could work with me, maybe even āsave meā as damn cliche as it sounds.
She is an amazing person and all this brings me to the realization that I dont want to waste her time, I dont want to hold her back from a real relationship, from happiness, in the fear that if I did take the chance, and i failed again, and again, that it would play out like my last relationship. That I would not only hurt herā¦But that I would find myself trapped back in that darkness, I truly dont think I could get out of if I did..
I will be surprised if anyone reads this novel of a pathetic life story, but it did make me feel a bit better putting it out there, and if you did read it all, I appreciate you, I hope things improve, I hope youre happy.
I apologize for the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
Thank you-One sad,tired and confused 30 year old male.
