Hey guys, I’m new to Mojo and felt like I wanted to share some of my experience.
I’ve been with the same partner since I was 17; I just turned 31. For most of my relationship, I’ve had intermittent ED problems, where it seems to occur most around times of increased stress or emotional imbalance.
I was diagnosed with BPD and Complex PTSD, so the idea of my ED being psychological isn’t far-fetched; my gf and I joke that I have a Tyler Durden side, because when I’m asleep I have a tendency to sleep-fuck, where I’ll have the hardest erections and also tend to be the most dominant (she actually loves this side of me)
When my mind is actually on and active, however, a single negative feeling can spiral to complete collapse of my erection, as it’ll have a catalyst effect on me in the moment.
My trauma in general stems from the fact that my father was a paedophile; I dealt with ALOT of different things growing up, and as a resuly tended to have both a negative viewpoint of men, as well as a negative viewpoint of myself for being related to him; I had all the signs of severe depression from as young as 8 yo.
My partner and I have become quite adventerous in the bedroom, with the inclusion of other people. We’ve done both MFM and FMF - she’s Bisexual and I’m Finsexual (heteroflexible + swxually attracted to femininity) - and whilst I find MFM extremely comfortable, I tend to struggle worse with FMF, requiring the need of calmatives and ED medications to cope.
Part of the problem for me is I feel uncomfortable advancing on women, as I have an inate fear of coming off as creepy or rape-y, both of which I have identified as stemming from my biological association with my father; the fear of this perception alone can make me shake uncontrollably when my mind spirals into it.
We also had a bad fallout from our first FMF experience. Things went fine until my partner suddenly got overwhelmed by a pang of jealousy, and this caused a months-long rift in our relationship that also completely crushed me mentally and emotionally. As a result, I initially told my partner I never wanted to involve other women again.
Over the last 7 years I’ve been trying to heal from that, and for the most of the last 4 years my partner has been trying to persuade me to try it again; I finally agreed a few months ago, so we’ve started to go to sex parties in our area to see how things go.
This has since really increased my ED problems again; for the last couple of years, I had good control of it, except for when my partner brought up the topic of other women during dirty talk, however, now it’s occurring constantly due to the stress.
I’ve refused to initiate with the women at the parties myself due to these various issues and have stated that she’ll be in complete control of the interactions - with me on the sidelines. This hasn’t quite worked out as she tends to be more socially awkward and can’t make the leap; she’s since admitted to me that she has desire for me to take the lead and be confident, which now has me at a crossroads. I am generally confident in every other way: i excel at my job, regardless of hurdles and challenges; I can talk to any dude in any situation and get along with them, even in odd situations which have started off more hostile; I can do public speaking to large groups of people; I tend to be adventurous and love things like rock climbing, sky diving, bungee jumping, etc. Yet, the thought of talking to another woman in a flirty manner is really a complete shut-down for me.
Now that I’ve come to the realisation of my source of problems, I’m really hoping I can get better peace internally with them; I’ve literally grown so much since my diagnoses, yet, ironically I was completely oblivious to psychological issues in my sex life, so I feel I can do this.
I’m skeptical about the AI itself (I’m a software engineer professionally, and I know how they work), however, I’m hungry for the content it’s trained on, and am super eager to interact with the community throughout my journey.
