I had a very stressful week and it was taking over my mind in ever situation I was in, so much so that my entire body and brain was out of wack. I lost an erection in the middle of sex and thought I was broken and had to also reassure my girlfriend that it wasn’t her fault and that I don’t know what happened. Since then I’ve just had such an intense pressure to perform that it’s caused me to get in my head so much that I am having trouble getting an erection right away and sometimes keeping it.
I want to reprogram that I will never be able to get hard enough for consistent penetration
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It’s completely normal to lose some stiffness when you change positions. If it softens a bit, it often comes back if you don’t fixate on it. At least that’s what people say. I’m working on this too. Even my wife says it’s normal, and that I should just keep going, stop monitoring it, and trust my body instead of focusing on it and making it worse.
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I think the goal is to accept that those thoughts are there, but remind yourself they’re just thoughts, not evidence. Trying to push them away is more like avoidance, and that doesn’t help long-term, because you can’t suppress them forever. What we can do is learn to let them pass without listening to them, and intentionally switch into our “positive mindset coach” voice. The hardest part for me is doing that when I am already worked up and emotional, because that’s exactly when your mind gets more irrational and those thoughts feel most convincing
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Sometimes, when I have sex and am not able to stay hard, I worry that there is something wrong with me, I should be able to stay hard and and I am a disappointment for it
Categorical imperative
This does not happen every time, and often happens when I think it will happen
There are also steps I can take to ensure I am able to stay hard which can only improve the situation anyway
By working on myself, I can ensure that this will occur less frequently which should lead to less anxiety, which will also benefit the situation.
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When I struggle to get hard or stay hard, I usually think I’m less of a man - the truth is all men go through similar struggles. I’m no less of a man because I’m struggling to help myself. I just need to learn how.
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Sometimes I compare myself to my friends who are able to easily get erections. Instead of viewing them as the messiah, I recognize that they haven’t gone through what I have gone through. I have completely different life experiences that shape who I am today. Instead of thinking I was born differently then they were, I will remind myself that I have different life experiences then them that make it more challenging to get/maintain an erection. This is ok. I am comfortable with this fact.
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Sometimes I worry that I won’t be able to finish inside my wife when it matters and we won’t ever get pregnant. I recognize that this thought process is catastrophizing. While I’ve had issues at times, I know that I have been able to finish inside of her countless times, including times we were trying to conceive. Rationally, I know I’m capable of it.
I admire your mindset and how thoughtfully you approached this exercise! Keep up the good job!
Maybe there’s some future-telling involved too?! That’s what I struggle with the most. When I start thinking it won’t work, it usually doesn’t. I begin spectating my body before sex, during foreplay, and even if I get an erection, I keep monitoring during sex, which eventually makes me lose it.
And it all starts with the future-telling long before anything even happens. It’s such a relief to understand the pattern, even though I know it will take a lot of practice and work to actually overcome it. I’m trying to accept that my inner critic will show up, but not listen to it.
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The thought of “I’m going to lose my erection again” or “why I’m not getting hard yet?”
You are not going to get hard ever again, you can’t have sex. You got yourself into a point of no return.
Overgeneralization and fortune telling
Only happened 1 time. I was stressed, anxious, and drained. Addicted to overstimulation. My body isn’t a superhuman body, it gets tired and used to certain stimuli. I just need to retrain it.
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When I think about it I’m capable so much more than I imagine my self critic maybe harsh but deep down he’s trying to keep me safe I need to make him my friend thank him but let him know I’m in control and he doesn’t need to worry so much
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I should be able to get it up whenever.
I have been doing really well with my girlfriend for the past 3 months but last night i rushed into sex without being ready and couldn’t get hard. I had a big panic attack. But then i calmed down, took it slow, and everything was back to normal
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‘Why am I not getting hard’ ‘fuck it’s happening again’ stress mode activated. Realistically it has only happened a few times and it’s purely due to being stressed and in my head. I need to retrain my brain to not get stressed out and enjoy the little things and go with the flow during sex
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I could get hard instantly last time and I didnt stay hard long enough so it will happen again next time
Why am I not getting hard again? Let me try to get hard.
Going into sheer panic and thinking this is me for life when it’s not a super regular occurrence, and I’ve had loads of successful sex
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I’m never going to be able to please her again