Woman looking for advice

1

Hi and hope it isn’t inappropriate for the partner of a guy with ED to be looking for support here? Am hoping that hearing more of the male perspective could help me see things differently…

My partner and I have been together for a number of years, our sex life has been up and down with periods of no sexual activity, or sexual things but not full sex, or occasionally periods of frequent and easy sex. Currently it’s a very low point again, we maybe get each other off separately once a week, and trying to work towards full sex seems a huge deal.

There’s loads more context I could give, but essentially my partner says he has a low sex drive and that pressure about full sex makes him feel anxious about all sexual things. He has some pills but doesn’t use them much, and uses mojo on and off, we can talk about this stuff quite openly although we’ve talked about it so much it doesn’t feel like it helps…

My issues are:

  • If initiate things I am adding pressure and nothing sexual happens. I fear if I wait for him to initiate, nothing will continue to happen
  • I guess I have a higher libido and want more regular sexual time, we do spend other time together but it’s not exactly romantic, I basically feel very lonely
  • What feels like pretty constant rejection makes me feel like I am not that desirable and really hits my self esteem, or even if it’s not desirability but just about our history or personalities maybe he will just never be happy and comfortable with me
  • Even when we do have sex, only one position is sort of safe, only one way of getting each other off is safe, any movement towards trying something new becomes fretful, I’m not sure how we’ll ever get out of this
  • Sometimes we can create a sexual mood talking about fantasies, but our fantasies don’t seem to match up, it feels like one person is humouring the other to get them off, and it’s too disjointed to ever help us try full sex

Of course, I love my partner and am so attracted to him, and I want to be the perfect partner and just be patient and understanding, be up for whatever he wants to do and when, keep sexual time worry-free and fun with no expectations, keep trying other things and not focus on full sex but… that’s really hard.

The reality is that (while I do think my partner loves me and is committed) I basically feel like I have no agency in this part of my life and don’t know how to help him.

Any advice or perspective for me please?

2

If he’s got ED issues does he finger yiu or go down on you? When I experience it that’s what I do. In fact I’m able to give her long orgasms with my tongue (and finger) then I probably ever could with my cock tbh. I understand women want the cock the most, and there are many ways to approach the ED problem. I believe the biggest factor is: trust. He needs to be able to trust you wno gh to tell you what is really happening, and he now feels that he cannot as the “environment” is not safe enough for him to open up. There are various causes, but In the majority of cases it is psychological (can be physical, but that is less common - unless he has low testosterone or has damaged the nerves in his penis from excessive dry masturbation). More than likely it’s something in his head, so you need to assure him that it’s ok whatever it is and that you guys can fix it over time.

3

Sorry about spelling mistakes but this thing doesn’t let you edit.

4

Oof. This one is hard to read. Consider me the queer version of your partner in this role.

I’ve always had deep seated issues around sexuality. Trauma that it doesn’t help to talk about. Not because talking doesn’t help, but because I’m over 15 years in on therapy and counting. I work on my low libido everyday, and it will never be enough for my partner. That’s always been okay with me - its him that views sex as the way to do romance, the way to do appreciation, and the way to feel wanted and valuable.

The fact is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way he views sex. But it isn’t my language, and we are both more miserable than anything when we try to achieve eachother’s goals. He can’t make me feel loved outside of sex, and sex never once in my life gas nor will it likely ever feel like love.

But you know what is the deepest love I’ve ever experienced? From him. He stays with me anyways. I try to do as much as I can for him, but we dont know what the future looks like. We can’t . But the fact that we are both so sincerely afraid of loosing eachother is what is getting us through couples therapy.

Look. There’s nothing magic you can say or do. There’s nothing wrong with you, but you have to be the voice in your head that says it, not him. It wont mean as much from him, I promise. Start working on self validation.

The fertile ground I needed for taking care of my sexuality safely without feeling pressured - was when my husband told me we could stay married as best friends without romance or sex. Most romantic thing that analytical, scientific, mathematical man has ever done. He doesn’t know how much I hope to work through why I’m not attracted to him anymore. He doesn’t know that I think he’s most attractive when he’s vulnerable and emotional. He doesn’t know yet if he’s going to choose the version of himself that I’ll have sex with again one day or not.

But the potential for heartbreak doesn’t look the same way it used to anymore. We care deeply for eachother and we know neither one of us is broken or not working hard enough to please the other. We just know that love finds space to communicate what needs to be said in its own timing, being brave and just finding things other than sex that you both enjoy - really enjoy - and take sex off the table, yes, if only for a while. We feel your longing - and its deeper than being wanted sexually. Its about feeling belonging together.

I know that doesn’t help much. Somethings take a good night’s sleep to make sense.

5

Thanks for the reply! Yeah I probably do want full sex the most, but would certainly be happy doing other stuff if it meant we did things more often. I don’t know how to encourage this though, if I suggest things out of our usual it doesn’t go down well and I’m applying pressure?

I can see that it’s psychological, I guess I just don’t know how to make the environment feel “safer” as you say, I feel like it requires me being completely superhumanly unshakeable. There aren’t many opportunities and when something does happen the vibe is all fear and worry and then that affects me too, it’s very hard to be relaxed and “it doesn’t matter what happens” in that moment :[

6

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you sharing your experience and wish the best for you guys.

What you said about self validation struck home, I am trying to be better with this but I guess I don’t know how to feel confident and sexy without some kind of external appreciation. Or, what does it matter if I feel confident and sexy if I can’t share it with the one person I want to do stuff with? It feels like a vicious cycle too: he’s probably more comfortable and attracted to me if I don’t seem to want sex from him, so I don’t bring it up for a while, I get more lonely, I end up bringing it up, he’s then not comfortable or attracted to me.

And yeah I can see how taking sex off the table for a bit could help, but I don’t think he would want to put anything else sexual ON the table? His fantasies don’t really involve two people doing stuff reciprocally and pleasuring each other, I don’t think he makes time to think about or research what else could be fun, and trying things spontaneously leads to nervy bad vibes. Also, there have been times that we have got way too comfortable with sex being off the table, and when/how does it ever come back on the table without that discussion, or attempted fun and flirty suggestion mid-session, sending him spiralling with pressure again?