Use the new information in this lesson to reflect on the past few weeks. Can you think of a behavior that might have been a shame re-containment strategy?
If you feel up to it, share how you felt and what happened.
Remember to stop by other people’s comments and show some support. Sharing compassion and bringing shame into awareness helps all of us.
I contain my shame by people pleasing. Especially with my partner. I feel so concerned about rejection and anything that might make them feel bad. I’m working on it.
I contain shame by getting lost in the characters of erotic stories. The alt reality gives me a sense of belonging.
I was taught from a young age that sexual urges were wrong and should be resisted. Porn was bad, sex was bad, self-pleasure was bad, being curious about women and trying to learn more was treated as an addiction and a flaw. I was punished. My father (and my mother separately) had their own issues around sex and gender and literally tried to beat it out of me because of their own shame.
Way too many of these descriptions hit home! 30 years of these strategies does have an impact. Shame for having them, shame rolled over with shame. Like a giant shame sandwich. To the point that shame is part of my secret personality. If I could surgically remove it I would give everything I have for that operation!
I think I’ve felt shame for my sexuality throughout my life even if I didn’t know it was shame. I’ve always tried to match the crowd, and as an adult my sexual urges would manifest, and I would keep my hookups or dates to myself, and now I do that with porn. I’m worried shame has made me naturally keep my sexuality to myself, even now I have a partner
I contain my shame by replaying memories over and over again, and being harsh on myself on those memories, cringing at myself, or calling myself names.
I often contain shame by being heavily critical of myself, trying to discipline myself through working out/releasing all the attached emotions in a workout, or saying harsh and sometimes self destructive things to myself, often as a mechanism of trying to shrink away and hide from the world
Yeah I’ve been eating that sandwich for about 50 years.
Most of these apply to me. A people pleaser from childhood. Now as an adult I use avoidance to avoid feelings of rejection and humiliation that make occur if something fails. I use avoidance to stay away from pressures of having or being in a relationship. Growing up in a culture that used shame constantly its deeply ingrained in me.
I am a big people pleaser and humourist, which I think derives from shame
I think porn is a way for me to be sexual without the awkwardness of being with another person, the fear that she might not like me or I might not like her, the idea of feeling trapped with one person alone. it helps my mind steam off
I am programmed by shame to laugh off or hide from the reality of getting something wrong, appearing like I am not fully worked out, having an opinion which I cannot defend, or not knowing something to a satisfying degree. I will take pains to act as if I didn’t understand the situation to begin with, or use guilt as a weapon on the other person.
I contain shame through numbing behaviours like porn binging. I feel like it’s the only place I can let loose when I’m overwhelmed. I also self criticize myself a lot and put myself down.
Porn binges and self criticism. Deflection onto others.